... OF THE BABY MAMA STIGMA
If there’s one thing that almost everyone I know agrees on, it’s that things irk me in the speed of lightening. However, one that gets to me every time I see it written, or hear
someone called by it is “Baby mama”. It rubs me the wrong way, no matter how much I try to simplify it in my mind. Perhaps it’s even one of the most thrown around words on the internet today.
Maybe at a point, I actually thought ladies, especially those who birth celebrity’s kids deserve all the dragging they go through for it;
Why didn’t she close her legs?
Why didn’t she tell him to use a condom?
Why didn’t she use contraceptives?
Why didn’t she have an abortion?
When she had unprotected sex, was she expecting a yam?
Oh! She wants to use her baby to tie him down.
She wants to use her child as a golden ticket to the good life.
She’s desperate for fame.
She’s this! She’s that! She’s everything wrong with the world!
And then one day, I just had enough. What about the irresponsible men? But this post isn't about them.
It’s like every time I see this word, it just comes through hand in hand with bitterness, harshness, bullying, shaming. So many females on the receiving end of some pretty ugly name calling. Suffice to say, I now find it tacky. It’s weighed with prejudice and has so many shades of disdain attached to it. I mean, if we really want to get very technical, every woman who has ever birthed a child falls under that name category.
Going by the definition of the Oxford English Dictionary, a baby mama actually is the mother of a man’s child, who is not his wife but is his current partner, fling, one night stand or his exclusive partner. In Nigeria, it’s a whole different ballgame entirely. By societal standards, baby mamas are single mothers who are pretty desperate, pretty classless, pretty stupid, pretty loose, pretty complacent or maybe all 5. Another implicit meaning is- a lady desperate or foolish enough to make a baby with a man who didn’t think she was worthy of him.
My cousin is a single mother and I assure you that she never ever imagined she’d be one. She’s even more optimistic about marriage than I ever was. She loved the idea of building a home, getting married, coming home to one man everyday for the rest of her life. So when Bisi met a man she believed was the “one”, she didn’t even hesitate to give him all to her. When she found out she was pregnant, she didn’t fear anything. It hadn’t been long that they met but they had discussed the future. He ditched her. Left town, no traces, no calls. He left her with a beautiful baby girl she would do anything for.
Sadly, the baby mama name doesn’t put into consideration any backup story. Was she gullible? Yes. Let herself go? Yes, for a man she thought they loved each other.. She should have known better, right? We all think know better until life stupefies us. The tag doesn’t give a hoot about the woman’s story or credibility. People just heap all these vile presumptions and judgment onto single mothers. They make jabs about her situation, her failed romance, call her a whore for her fleeting moment of bad decision making that very much involves another equally guilty adult.
All that matters is “See this useless baby mama. Even a child can’t get him to marry you.” We all assume that we all know the reason why people keep pregnancies, or make the assumption that these women set out to become baby mamas in their life and truthfully, I don’t care about the reason. Pushing people into depression by capitalizing on their error of judgment and shoving it into their faces makes you a very horrible and vile human being. We all feel so high and mighty about passing judgment about other people’s lives even though there is a percentage of us that has the potential to become what we criticize. Yes, being very careful doesn’t cut it.
See, whether you like it or not, that she had a child for a man who didn’t man up doesn’t mean she will disappear. She’s another woman with a child, not one with an infectious killer disease. Perhaps one day, we'll talk about their excesses but today, let's cut them some slack!
someone called by it is “Baby mama”. It rubs me the wrong way, no matter how much I try to simplify it in my mind. Perhaps it’s even one of the most thrown around words on the internet today.
Maybe at a point, I actually thought ladies, especially those who birth celebrity’s kids deserve all the dragging they go through for it;
Why didn’t she close her legs?
Why didn’t she tell him to use a condom?
Why didn’t she use contraceptives?
Why didn’t she have an abortion?
When she had unprotected sex, was she expecting a yam?
Oh! She wants to use her baby to tie him down.
She wants to use her child as a golden ticket to the good life.
She’s desperate for fame.
She’s this! She’s that! She’s everything wrong with the world!
And then one day, I just had enough. What about the irresponsible men? But this post isn't about them.
It’s like every time I see this word, it just comes through hand in hand with bitterness, harshness, bullying, shaming. So many females on the receiving end of some pretty ugly name calling. Suffice to say, I now find it tacky. It’s weighed with prejudice and has so many shades of disdain attached to it. I mean, if we really want to get very technical, every woman who has ever birthed a child falls under that name category.
Going by the definition of the Oxford English Dictionary, a baby mama actually is the mother of a man’s child, who is not his wife but is his current partner, fling, one night stand or his exclusive partner. In Nigeria, it’s a whole different ballgame entirely. By societal standards, baby mamas are single mothers who are pretty desperate, pretty classless, pretty stupid, pretty loose, pretty complacent or maybe all 5. Another implicit meaning is- a lady desperate or foolish enough to make a baby with a man who didn’t think she was worthy of him.
My cousin is a single mother and I assure you that she never ever imagined she’d be one. She’s even more optimistic about marriage than I ever was. She loved the idea of building a home, getting married, coming home to one man everyday for the rest of her life. So when Bisi met a man she believed was the “one”, she didn’t even hesitate to give him all to her. When she found out she was pregnant, she didn’t fear anything. It hadn’t been long that they met but they had discussed the future. He ditched her. Left town, no traces, no calls. He left her with a beautiful baby girl she would do anything for.
Sadly, the baby mama name doesn’t put into consideration any backup story. Was she gullible? Yes. Let herself go? Yes, for a man she thought they loved each other.. She should have known better, right? We all think know better until life stupefies us. The tag doesn’t give a hoot about the woman’s story or credibility. People just heap all these vile presumptions and judgment onto single mothers. They make jabs about her situation, her failed romance, call her a whore for her fleeting moment of bad decision making that very much involves another equally guilty adult.
All that matters is “See this useless baby mama. Even a child can’t get him to marry you.” We all assume that we all know the reason why people keep pregnancies, or make the assumption that these women set out to become baby mamas in their life and truthfully, I don’t care about the reason. Pushing people into depression by capitalizing on their error of judgment and shoving it into their faces makes you a very horrible and vile human being. We all feel so high and mighty about passing judgment about other people’s lives even though there is a percentage of us that has the potential to become what we criticize. Yes, being very careful doesn’t cut it.
See, whether you like it or not, that she had a child for a man who didn’t man up doesn’t mean she will disappear. She’s another woman with a child, not one with an infectious killer disease. Perhaps one day, we'll talk about their excesses but today, let's cut them some slack!
Hmmmm!!
ReplyDeleteWe all have vices.
ReplyDeleteWe all have our shortcomings.
The only thing we are good at is judging people. Even at the fact that we wouldn't want to be judged, we judge people. It is not fair enough.
What am I saying? Life itself isn't fair