SADNESS, DEPRESSION AND FAKE SMILES

On 25 January 2006, officials from a North London housing association repossessing a bedsit in Wood Green owing to rent arrears made a grim discovery. Lying on the sofa was the skeleton of a 38-year-old woman who had been dead for almost three years. In a corner of the room the television set was still on, tuned to BBC1, and a small pile of unopened Christmas presents lay on the floor. Washing up was heaped in the kitchen sink and a mountain of post lay behind the front door. Food in the refrigerator was marked with 2003 expiry dates. The dead woman's body was so badly decomposed it could only be identified by comparing dental records with an old holiday photograph of her smiling. Her name was revealed to be Joyce Carol Vincent.

In a city such as London, home to 8 million people, how could someone's absence go unnoticed for so long? Who was Joyce Vincent? What was she like? How could she have been forgotten?

Soon Joyce dropped out of the news. An ad was put up much later, asking whoever knew her to come forward. Months passed and one of her ex-boyfriend, who she dated for 3 years came out to talk about her and that was who dropped the first picture of her. Years later, the search continued and that was when different people showed up. They knew her as the very beautiful, down to earth, easy going girl with lots of attention from men and with a very bubbly personality. She had a wonderful voice and had recorded one or two songs before. Her mum, an Indian died when she was 11, she had 4 sisters. She was engaged for two years to a man who didn't want to be named

None of them imagined she'd die that way. She fell out of contact with people and no one bothered to check on her, they assumed that they were all adults and busy so there was no need to know what she was up to. No one knew that beneath the bubbly, lovable girl was probably a very sad soul. She died alone.

I don’t know if this particular case is an instance of many deaths caused by depression but I feel the need to write about this. You may not know who has a sad life or silent struggles. Generally, we all expect people who are going through a lot to cry a lot, stay in bed all day, mope or act like someone died for them but no, people handle pain all the time; so well that the person closest to them might not even know unless they’re told or the signs become very obvious.

Some people can totally fake it. They can smile and laugh; they can act like everyone else, even while they are in excruciating emotional pain. Occasionally people who can do this end up killing themselves, and no one can believe it. People who are depressed but act like they are fine may not confide in anyone. Usually they find a way to spend time alone crying or letting down the facade and then go back to acting when they have to be with people. On top of the pain they already feel, acting happy is emotionally exhausting, and having this secret is isolating. So, faking it can even increase the sadness, depression or whatever it is.

Sadness isolates people. Whether they are hiding from the world in bed, preoccupied with something, pushing people away with anger, or keeping their real thoughts and feelings inside while pretending to be okay, people with deep sadness usually feel very alone. There is also this built-in isolating fog quality that makes it very difficult to feel connected to people. Even when people feel safe to express exactly how they feel, it is very difficult for people who haven’t experienced a deep depression or sadness to understand how that feels. How can anyone who hasn’t experienced it understand the complexity of pain that is not only unbearably intense itself but also complicated by many painful factors like the stigma of mental illness and the confusion of the fact that unlike other illnesses, depression causes behavior changes. People attribute behavior to the moral character of the person, rather than to the illness.

The pain is also complicated by the fact that depression attacks a person’s thoughts and feelings, rather than liver or lungs. Depression can cause a person to think she hates herself or is unhappy in her relationships. It can cause someone to believe everyone would be better off without him, or even that others would be better off dead. It can cause people to feel sad, angry, guilty, or numb even when none of this is how they feel when they aren’t depressed.

And to anyone who’s battling with permanent sad feelings or bordering on depression: Happiness and Sadness is a part of life. No one can make you happy and no one can make you sad. It is your own mind that create the sadness and happiness. No one would ever tell you to wear a mask to hide what you’re going through. Talk to someone. Anyone. The feeling might be insurmountable but remember the people who matter most to you; together you can get over it; remember the bright sunshine that replaces dark clouds after a rain? You will soon have that. You are stronger than you believe and you are never alone.