DEALING WITH A CHEATING PARTNER

There are a million ways to hurt your boyfriend and damage your relationship, but for some reason, we tend to draw the line at cheating: You cannot stay with a cheater. I'm not saying that every person who cheats; lady or guy deserves a pass. If you're dating someone who doesn't treat you well and doesn't make you feel valued, by all means, dump him, whether he cheated or not. Everyone loves to hate a cheater. We like to think we can see the world through a moral sense of right and wrong and take a black-and-white lens to cheating—that the cheater is always bad and the victim is always right. But often it's not that simple.

Now it has happened, what’s the way forward? Ask your boyfriend/girlfriend these questions: Why did you cheat? How did you decide to tell me or keep it secret? Would you make a different choice going forward? Why or how? What has changed? Although it might feel like a punch in the gut, try to understand exactly why and how the cheating happened. From there you can decide if it seems like it was a good person making a bad choice or a lost person likely to make a string of bad choices. Truly understanding what happened is also the only way to build back trust; which you're going to need if you decide to stay. 

Ask yourself honestly — can you see yourself eventually fully forgiving him? Can you imagine trusting him again? You can't anticipate exactly what will happen in the future, but you should have the sense that you’re capable of moving forward.

You say you want to stay together, but I think the first step is to really decide for yourself whether you want to put the effort into rebuilding your relationship with your boyfriend. You may be scared by the prospect of a break-up after such a long time together, but that shouldn’t be the motivating factor in your decision. Sometimes it can be useful to give yourself a short break from your partner to figure things out and process your feelings on your own. Being cheated on is a horribly painful experience, and it’s important to give yourself some time to breathe before jumping into “where do we go from here?” Even a couple of days without contact can be beneficial. Don't try to make things 'how they used to be'.

Don’t blame yourself. Someone cheating on you is not your fault. You’re not responsible for it, you didn’t "deserve" it, and if your boo crossed lines instead of communicating their needs or breaking off the relationship, that’s on them, not you. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to understand those needs and meet them if you want to salvage the relationship and of course, they’ve got to do the same for you. Don’t beat yourself up over someone else’s bad decision.

Don’t try to get "even." It might make you feel better momentarily to trash your no-good cheating partner on social media, you might even get a rush from cheating on them too. But evening the score is what opposing teams do, not two people who ostensibly love each other and are both dedicated to recovering from one person’s violation of the other’s trust. Right now, it’s important for you both to do what you can to feel like you’re on the same side again.

This is really important too: Baby, don’t make threats you don’t intend to carry out. If you tell your bf/gf that any further cheating will cause you to leave, then you’d better pack your bags and go if/when he or she cheats again. Otherwise, you diminish your credibility and he won’t be scared of cheating on you again because you’ve ingrained it in him that you’re all about empty threats.

The most important thing to know after you make the decision to move forward is  that things are going to be shaky for awhile. You’re probably going to feel insecure and wary. There are going to be fights and tears. Try to rebuild trust in the same way that you built it originally. You may also find it useful to set some ground rules in place while you two are working on repairing your relationship. For example, asking him not to see that girl again. Don’t make too many restrictions though — the fact that he cheated doesn’t give you a license to control his life.

Cheating is very difficult to move past, but it’s not impossible. Think about the four years of history you and your boyfriend have together. I assume that there have been plenty of times where he has been a supportive and trustworthy partner. He made a big mistake, but it was one bad decision out of years of good ones. Decide whether you want to stay or not, and whether your relationship is worth saving.

This will take some time after you've processed what happened. One way to figure out whether you should stay together and fight for your love is to be honest about the type partner they are and the sort of betrayal involved. If they're not the kind of person who strays and it seems like it was a one-shot deal, you should try giving them another chance. Ditto if they confess the affair or at least apologize profusely and seem genuinely remorseful once you find out about it.

 What was he feeling and how did he feel after it happened? Likewise, boo needs to hear what you have to say when it comes to your feelings about him cheating, he has to understand how his actions hurt you, and has to be willing to give your emotions some time and space. This might seem like it could do more harm than good, but even a short break from all contact with your boyfriend after he been unfaithful can help you regroup and guide you on where to go from here. Without the distraction and hurt that comes with talking to them, especially right after you find out about the cheating, you can begin working through it all with a clearer head.

Moving forward also means taking a hard look at your relationship and being willing to work on aspects that aren't so great. For some people, cheating actually brings to the surface issues in the relationship that had been swept under the rug. So it's possible to build a stronger and better relationship after someone has cheated. Relationships are complicated, and the best relationship decisions are ones that account for those complexities. The truly empowered decision to make—in any situation—is not the "should" but the one that actually feels right.

Embrace an improved, renewed relationship that's more fulfilling, profound and honest than ever before. You can either handle being vulnerable with your partner again or you. If you can't, you need to get out of this relationship and move on. And if you can, then you need to let him/her earn the trust back and start putting your relationship together again. Forgiveness is a choice. Chances are, after both of you have done the difficult work of repairing your relationship, you'll come away with a much better understanding of each other and a significantly deeper connection and commitment to each other. That, in turn, will strengthen your love and bring you closer together. If you can't get past the affair, even after months of hard work, break it off. It's just not worth any more of your time and heartache, so you might as well start the painful process of ending your relationship now.