DEAR LADIES, DON'T EVER ASK HIM OUT.

Two weeks ago, I did what I didn’t think I’d do in my life; I asked a guy out. There’s this guy I had known for roughly 8 years, we dated for about a year, things weren’t so great, we broke up but remained good friends. He’s so good to me that I probably misread the Mr. Nice Image for interest. I like him, a lot and I thought it was mutual. Big mistake. Recently we were talking and he let it slip that he was setting his sight on a new girl and in some ways I can’t explain, it just didn’t exactly sit well with me. I suddenly didn’t want to lose him. I told a friend about it and she advised me to ‘shoot my shot’. Let me just confess that it was the biggest mistake of my life. 

Baby, let me say this to you: No matter how much he flirts, don't do it! Is there a guy who flirts with you at work but never asks you out? Don’t try it! Or this guy you know that has been extremely nice to you, please let him shoot the shot. Why do men do this? They act interested, but don’t take that important next step to go out with you. This happens to some ladies looking for love and is a common and frustrating dating issue. You spend hours talking with your girlfriends trying to figure out why he hasn’t asked you out. You can tell he likes you so what’s the problem?

One thing I know for sure is that 99.9% of men who seem interested yet don’t ask you out do have a reason. It’s either he already has a steady girlfriend; he doesn’t want to date or get into a relationship right now, he’s just boosting his own ego by flirting or texting with you, he thinks you’re attractive and fun, but not his type or he’s fantasizing about you without physically cheating on another lady. For the most part, if guys aren't happy with the status quo, they take action to change it. That’s what guys do — they go after what they want. They pursue the ladies they want to date or at least sleep with. I hope this makes us fully understand that if he’s not asking you out on a date, he just doesn’t want to.

Think about it. If he were too shy, would he be brave enough to flirt? Would he reach out to you on Facebook or chat with you on whatsapp, ask for your number, greet you on the street? No, not at all. He’s manly enough for those things, which mean he’s brave enough to ask you out. He’s just choosing not to.

Let’s say you still don’t believe me. You feel a compelling urge burning in your soul that must be acted upon. You’ll cease to exist if you don’t just ask him out! Well, if you must, you must. If it turns out that he was shy or afraid of rejection, asking him out will let him know you like him. You are now a sure thing. Do not ask him again. He knows you’d say yes, but that’s not enough motivation to get him to ask you out again? Take that lack of action as a sign. It’s a clear message that he doesn’t want more with you.

You should get that letting the man pursue you works best. That’s the only way you’ll ever know if he’s really interested. The proof is in his pursuit, and nothing else counts. What will a man do to win you over if he never initiates anything? The only way to know for sure is to not take any steps on your own, and simply respond to his outreach. In my opinion, it pays off big time to let a man lead and ask you out to discover if he’s wasting your time, boosting his ego or serious about getting to know you.

In the eyes of the law, in the workplace and in society, we’re getting to a place where everyone is treated equally. Yet when it comes to love and romance, traditional fairy tales still underpin daily life. The stereotype of the handsome prince winning the hand of the fair maiden. He pursues her. He courts her. He asks her to marry him. Yes, in those situations the lady is still empowered to some degree. But her power comes in the choice, not in the active pursuit. The most successful young ladies I know are proactive in all aspects of their lives. But often the toughest goal for them is the one, which they can’t solely rely on themselves to achieve. A relationship. A partnership. A family.

So yes, it’s controversial to try to get men to take the lead in this case. And yes, it might seem to contradict everything feminists have spent years campaigning for. But if you’re a single woman, with a tendency to organize every aspect of your life, deep down, you’ll know this is the one part of your life where proactivity never really seems to work.  I hate to say this but why not give it a try?  There's this unspoken social expectation among men that they have to ask. It's masculine to be assertive, confident, and brave rejection. Surely if a woman asks a man out, she's emasculating him. Maybe not.

Dating is this odd, nebulous concept. You're interviewing each other for romantic potential. Dating can be great, but it runs the risk of just asking each other questions to assess viability. Answer correctly and you can get the rank of partner, but stay on for 1-5 years and you could be promoted to spouse. I don't like this rigid format to be honest but asking a man out for a change isn’t exactly an option I’d want anyone to take.

If girls are more upfront about asking guys out, they're seen as promiscuous or desperate. A guy leads, a lady follows. Contrarily, some ladies like feeling special for being asked out—a man singled them out over others. Ladies have to constantly put on their best self and send off signals without seeming slutty. If they ask, they're sluts and if they send signals, they're a tease. Accepting makes them prudes and denying makes them bitches. 

Well I do happen to have some advice. There is another important reason why I think you shouldn’t ask him out: when it’s too easy, he’ll become suspicious. If a man is not willing to pursue you, he’s not willing to risk falling in love with you. If you think you have to take the lead, indicate that you’re interested in him by giving him a smile, or if you must, ask him a neutral question or whine him about his babe or who he’s with. But, avoid asking him out. When he has to ask you, you weed out the ones not willing to risk falling in love. And that will help you find the right guy.

Furthermore, fear of rejection is a completely human impulse that affects women just the same way it does men, so perhaps the reason you shouldn’t even ask is if you can’t handle rejection or rebuff. Ladies are perhaps even more concerned than guys that being the pursuer will make them seem desperate. Given that it's not normally "a lady's job", the sight of a lady approaching a man will be considered unusual – even though it shouldn't be – and this can promote insecurity amongst ladies that they're coming across as especially desperate.

Like it or not, we have an existing social script that says that men should be the pursuers of dates and sex and women should be the pursued. Asides that, in most situations, there's a bigger supply of men who are happy to make the first move than there are women, so women might avoid doing it simply because it's not a 'must' for them. If you don't come up and say "hi", someone else probably will, so why would I bother making the first move?