COPING WITH THE DISTANCE.

Why do people do long-distance relationships? Does it ever work out? The truth is rarely do people ever get themselves into long-distance relationships on purpose. Typically, what ends up happening is that couples become victim of circumstance, where one partner finds themselves needing to relocate. Up until that moment things have been going very well between them and neither person has a desire to call it quits, so they strive to make a long-distance relationship work. It's not what they signed up for but they'll give it a shot. In a planned long-distance relationship, one example might be people who dated in the university who, upon graduation served in different places but vow to maintain their relationship until they get back from service. Another example might be an internet relationship where both are taking time to see each other, but nevertheless decide to romantically move forward.

Just understand that embracing the possibility that the feelings of keeping a long distance relationship may not be mutual. You need to take a hard look at your relationship, your needs, where the relationship is going, and have a big talk. Be honest. No hard feeling if this isn’t for the other person. You are sparing yourself the hurt and pain, so don't try to talk someone into having a long-distance relationship if it isn't in the cards for you. There are emotions which are hard to put aside to think what is best. Sure, you will miss each other if it doesn't work, but you will hate each other if one winds up cheating.

Call her and tell her how long it’s going to take for you to be away, if she asks about the relationship, you can either tell her you love her and you want it to work. If you don’t think it can work, tell her you don’t think your relationship will survive that long and that you don’t want to keep her from meeting a great person. Just take charge and be direct.

Long-distance relationships have a shelf life, and the key factor that makes this type of arrangement work is having an end goal or date in mind when it will be possible for the two of you to be in the same place together. Long-distance relationships were meant to be temporary; the goal is to be with the person you love. Therefore, in order to maintain a long-distance relationship there has to be a 'light at the end of the tunnel.' Without a light at the end of the tunnel it's only natural for you to drift apart. It's the counting down of the months, weeks and days until one is finally done with the inconvenience of being in a long-distance relationship that keeps it strong. If you begin an online dating relationship and know in your heart you will never relocate there is a good chance you've already determined the outcome of the relationship — especially if she or he has solidly established themselves as well.

Apparently, absence really does make the heart grow fonder. When attempting a long-distance relationship, the most important thing is to try to make the relationship as 'normal' as possible. Just a few decades ago, the classic mode of communication for people in long distance relationships used to be letters and making phone calls with landlines for people who are rich but thanks to the technology of today, there are countless ways to stay and feel connected to your partner when you're navigating a long-distance relationship. From tagging each other in funny memes on Instagram to sending photos, texts, video calls and the list goes on.

You have to really realize that your relationship is worth fighting for. Be open, honest, and trusting. Take the time to figure out how and when is best to communicate with each other. Work at making each other feel special, even without seeing each other. All the things you work on during a normal relationship will need extra effort for in a long distance relationship. Remind each other that the distance is for a short while and if you want to be together, you have to make it work by all means. Think of the bigger picture.

I’ve had like 2-3 long distance relationships and one of the things I’ve leant is this: celebrate everything and don’t worry if every visit isn’t perfect, even if you can’t be together in person., this means trying to share special moments, like holidays, birthdays, and the general daily joys and sorrows that people who are together in person take for granted. Fortunately, technology makes sharing life moments easier than ever. 

I remember dating a guy when I was in Ife. He worked in Lagos at the time so it was really impractical for us to see. As time went on, what became hard for me was him making new friends and becoming a part of a new clique that I didn't quite fit into. I started to become jealous. That was new territory for me because I was always the 'cool girlfriend'. I was angry with myself and he became annoyed with me (understandably). That eventually led to several 'breaks' and eventually the final break up. If you're going to try long distance, know that your relationship is going to change. Hopefully you'll be able to evolve together instead of letting the distance push you apart. If things are serious and you see a future, make sure to keep the other person your priority. Introduce them to any new friends and include them in your routine.

One thing I advise is to always keep the relationship romantic and playful. This means not just sticking to facts and intellectual conversations, but being flirty, fun, and even a little naughty. This keeps the romantic spark alive and makes a naturally stressful relationship more fun. When you're dating someone who lives in the same place as you, your conversations have the luxury of time. Don't fall into the bad habit of making all of your phone calls about updates and agendas; you don't need to fill your partner in on every single detail of your day. Instead, talk about your most intense feelings, concerns, dreams and celebrations. Tell them why you love them and why you chose them. Take turns initiating calls/chats; one of you may have more time, but you should both make an effort to be the initiator.

There are moments of jealousy and insecurity in even the most secure relationships. However, every perceived slight or twinge of envy will be magnified in a long-distance relationship. The last things you want to do while you’re apart is spend your time obsessively checking his Facebook page or fretting about what he’s doing if he doesn’t respond to your texts quickly enough. If you don’t trust your boyfriend or know you have jealous tendencies, you might want to reconsider if this is really right for you. 

Going to bed angry is a bad enough feeling in itself, but dating with hundreds of kilometers between you and disputes are instantly amplified. Mitigate fights by talking through concerns while they're fresh instead of letting them build, get out of the habit of texting during fights. There's more room for miscommunication and misunderstandings via text, so being able to provide context and explain yourself either via video or a phone call is always preferable.

Dealing with feelings of loneliness and separation can be one of the toughest aspects of being away from your boo. To cope, it's important to find ways when you're alone or lonely to shift into a state of love and reconnect with yourself and shift your mood. To get your thoughts more positive, you need rituals or ways to work with your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Becoming too dependent on your partner can be the kiss of death to any relationship, building a life for yourself outside of the other person in a long-distance one is the way to go. The aim is to avoid putting too much pressure on one person to fulfill all of your needs. The happiest couples are able to maintain hobbies and friends outside of a relationship, and when you're long-distance, it's even more important because that person can't be your whole life if they're not physically there.

Life is too short not to and that’s especially true when you’re in a long-distance relationship. There’s so much pressure with visits when it comes to long-distance relationships. Does one of you need to work or study during the visit? Is there a big conversation hovering like an elephant in the room and do you have that talk face to face, when you have limited time together, or over the phone later?

 Some trips will be full of great memories and carefree times, and some will be full of fighting over big or small issues and that’s OK! ‘Real’ relationships are full of ups and downs and long-distance relationships are no exception.