HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU.

It’s obvious you’re interested, but is he? All you want to know if he wants to be your boyfriend. I hate to give you the bad news, but sometimes a guy just isn’t into you. He might want to be friends, but that’s it. Far too many ladies make the mistake of assuming that a guy is dating them when the friendship becomes perfect without inhibitions , or after they have sex for the first time. But this is often a false assumption, and heartache can easily ensue. The consensus is that the assumption should never be that you're dating, but instead, that you're still friends until you have a conversation about the subject. The number one rule of dating is to never assume that you’re dating a guy until he asks you out. It may look, sound and feel like it is a relationship already, but that doesn't make it so. Asking a guy where you stand is a valid question and how he handles it is a good indication if he can manage the commitment. 

No one should ever assume a relationship is happening unless there's a reason to believe so. Without coming out and having the dreaded ‘define the relationship’ talk. I've seen that in all of my previous relationships and most my friends' relationships mainly ladies are the ones who start the "what we are/ are we in a relationship" conversation. With my ex it wasn't until about 6 months of intimacy that I finally asked: "what we are?" and he was like "well, you're my girlfriend, right?”

I remember two years ago when I was friends with this very nice guy, we saw each other almost every week, I knew his closest friends, he knew mine, we went on dates, we goofed around and we were totally free with each other. So after months of this, I wasn’t sure if we were anything other than friends or just friends with benefits because sometimes it does feel like something more, but I'm a coward and I fear that if I ask him what we are he will tell me that we're nothing more than friends, I finally got the courage to ask one day and after fidgeting for over an hour, I finally asked the question and he just started laughing like what I said was funny. 

“Jummy, we’re just friends now. What else?” I felt my heart drop but gave him what I doubted was a bright smile. I sure would never make that mistake again. He ended up asking me out but nah, too late nigga.

Now, to be fair, most ladies don’t give men such rude, point-blank answers. What do we actually do instead? We stop returning his calls and hope he gets the clue that we don’t like him. In short, to keep the peace and avoid conflict, you either do the slow fade of not calling him back immediately or cut him off completely.

The problem is that with guys, it’s much more. Guys don’t have to say “I love you” to get you to like them. You want to see where you stand with a man? Don’t pay attention to how lively your interactions are or how much of a perfect fit he is for you. The day he gets to know that maybe you like him as more than a friend is the day exploitation begins. For the extremely bad ones, they get you close to them; at this stage, you’ve got to understand that he doesn’t exactly want to hurt you but doesn’t care if you eventually are, understand that he doesn’t want you to fall in love with him you because it’s in his self-interest and understand that everything he does next is designed to keep you interested in him without allowing you to fall in love with him. The good guys however act like my friend did and just tell you that they aren’t so into you and the most wonderful part? They never take advantage of it.

However, in situations where sex already happened before you ask to define the relationship, it’s even far more complicated than anything else. If he’s already planning his exit strategy, he’s not going to say, “I think we made a mistake. Good luck in life.” He’s more likely going to do something like: give you a long silence after you asked and say he doesn’t know, a few days of silence afterwards because he doesn’t want you to get attached. Another text a few days later to say he’s thinking of you, but he’s been busy. A text a week later at 9pm to ask what you’re doing right now. Or scantier calls than what you’re both used to. Babe, you were just the booty call and your guy is trying to find that delicate balance of keeping you in his life without you falling hard for him.

This is why I’m saying that some men are honest with us even though it can be hard to read .He’s not talking about meeting your family, he’s not making you empty promises, he’s not talking about the names of your kids, he’s not talking about love and marriage, baby, he’s not even talking about hanging out and a movie! He’s mostly keeping in touch with texts and hoping that you coast on your attraction to him without ever second guessing his lack of effort. He hasn’t lied to you. He hasn’t promised you anything. He hasn’t done anything after sleeping with you that indicates that he’s serious about you. So, reward this kind guy for trying to protect your feelings by CUTTING HIM OFF ENTIRELY.

You can be honourable enough to send him a text and telling him that you understand what’s going on, and then tell him you need a serious relationship and not a sex-only friendship. He’ll do one of two things: Pick up the phone and call you because you have a burgeoning relationship that’s worth preserving and he can’t stand to let you go or in all likelihood, he’ll text you:

“That sucks! Too bad. I understand though. Good luck to you!”

So stop blaming them for sleeping with and texting you. If you start listening to their silences, you can finally hear the whole truth. It is worthy to note however that in less complicated cases, the handwriting is normally written in big bold fonts on the wall. 

He only wants to hook up. Maybe he actually does want to spend time alone with you, but only at odd times and places. In case it’s not obvious already, he only sees you as a hookup. He has no intention of committing. Some guys even refer to you as their little sister or continuously calls you his ‘friend’. It’s not unusual for male friends to think of their female friends as sisters. Unless he’s a pervert, he’s never going to want to date someone he considers his sister. This is a sure sign you’ve been friend zoned permanently. It might change in rare cases, but I wouldn’t count on it.

Some tell you point blank. There’s no clearer sign that he’s never going to be your boyfriend than when he says it. If you keep pressing the issue, he’s going to just start avoiding you completely. Respect his wishes and don’t get obsessive. He may try to hook you up with his friends. Just because he doesn’t want to be with you, it doesn’t mean he’s blind. Any great guy friend does what he can to find a good woman for his friends. Believe me, if a guy’s interested in you, he’s not going to play matchmaker. Some kinds of guy doesn’t care if you ignore him. One popular way to get a guy to kill to be your boyfriend is to ignore him and make sure you’re always busy. If he doesn’t care if you’re ignoring him, then he’s not interested. He may not even think of you as a friend. Try it and if it doesn’t work, accept he’s not boyfriend material.

Jealousy works. A guy might seem oblivious until you flirt with other guys in front of him. If he’s the least bit interested, he’ll get jealous. Trust me, you’ll notice. If it’s not meant to be, he won’t care. He might even encourage you or play wing man. Note this: contact is sporadic at best. When it comes to their friends, guys don’t have any set rules about contact. With a girlfriend or even a potential girlfriend, they know to respond to calls and texts quickly and try not to go more than a few days without talking. If he has no interesting in being your boyfriend, you might always be the one texting him or he might call you one week and wait a month before calling again.

I know it’s hard to admit, but you’re just going to have to let this one go. There’s another guy just waiting for you to make a move. Don’t disappoint him by wasting time on a guy who’s never going to be yours.