HE'S NOT A FINANCIAL PLAN.

 I’ve heard several times recently that some ladies believe that the only control they have over their financial destinies is keeping themselves attractive enough to trap, I mean, catch a rich guy. I find many people these days have husband or wife expectations of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Covering or contributing to a major bill is a spouse duty, not a boyfriend obligation. It’s nice when a boyfriend wants to pitch in to help, even though that can come with its own headaches, but he certainly shouldn’t be your primary option for bailing you out of a financial mess. Your man isn’t your personal ATM or a financial plan.

There was this lady my brother met close to two years ago. He collected her number and initially, they clicked well; he was really starting to like her until she started faltering. Then about a month or so later, she called him and said she was going through some issues was why she faded out. They made plans to hang out later that week and my brother couldn’t keep quiet about this girl he thought was going to be the perfect one for him. He however came back after the date grumpy, infuriated and mostly disappointed.

 No sooner had they met up that she immediately started talking about going somewhere for food. They sat down for drinks and she picks up the food menu and starts hinting about how she's hungry. Then she tells me that she only has so much cash and lost her ATM card. She started talking about her due house rent, the amount she spends on commuting around Lagos, making a new hair, changing her faulty Samsung into an iPhone. She was basically of the opinion that all she had to do was show up and he'd be willing to throw open his wallet for her or take her to the nearest ATM stand and give her all his cash.

All thoughts of ever becoming something more with her vanished through the window as we both imagined the kind of responsibility he would shoulder if he ever tried that. Sometimes I just want to blame this on civilization, the emergence of a deeper level of social stratification and the ‘I must belong syndrome’ which seems to be an incurable bug for most ladies these days but truthfully, way before celebrities, social media and TV shows- which over time has been where ladies become intimidated by material wealth, some ladies were taught first and foremost that their job, no matter how educated they became, was to find a suitable and stable man whom they could marry and live happily ever after with.

A man is NOT your golden ticket to a good life and financial independence. It is fairly typical for some ladies of nowadays to jokingly declare they are waiting to get married or be in a relationship with a guy who is ready made enough not to even worry about their expenses or the tax they impose on him monthly. To this I say, ladies, let’s make sure that YOU bring something to the table; something more than your brazillian weaves, 6 inches nails, stilettos, killer gowns, designer bags . And by that, I don’t just mean your own money, but your own healthy mindset towards money. Why should some poor unsuspecting soul inherit your bad credit, bad habits and bad financial package? You should come ready to make a contribution to the relationship’s success and also have your knowledge together in case you don’t get your financially fit dream guy.

You cannot get a man with dreams if you can’t be a woman with vision; the equation would be greatly imbalanced. To be very short and sweet, your personal finances are primarily your responsibility. If you’re grown, it’s not your parent’s obligation anymore nor is it merely on the boyfriend you choose. At each stage in life, you must take responsibility for your own spending and try not to live larger than you earn or create a life bigger than the things you can afford. The minute you depend exclusively on anyone for all of your spending, you hand over the control of your financial destiny, your self esteem( to you, you might be the babe the guy can’t say no to, but to him, you’re just another hungry lady who he can’t wife or ever take serious because you’re going with the next available guy who has more cash) and your life goes wherever they want to take it, you are forever at the mercy of others; mechanically asking “How high?” every time they say, “Jump!”

There is no need to depend solely on a man to make and manage the money without your input. You must be ready, willing, and able to contribute to your finances at all times. He will see the effort and help you however way he can because he see your struggles. Be willing to help out with his finance issues too. You can’t forever be the collector and he; the giver. To be honest, it seems tiring. Send him recharge card when he’s broke, give him some cash when you can spare, take him on a date and pay, pay for your own hairdo without having to whine about him not showing you love enough because he can’t afford to be your father, at the same time your boyfriend. You must be willing to throw your purse open for him too. He doesn’t have to be broke before you show some effort too. And please, do not be a permanent ‘flasher’. If you can’t even expend your own airtime on him, why should he always call?

When you’re financially independent, you have equal power and are just as much in control as the man is. You call the shots together and you also have the ability to make decisions as a team.  There’s nothing worse than tolerating a person or a situation only because you have allowed yourself to become 100% dependent on them financially. A man is a partner, a companion, someone to share your life with. He is not and should not be your financial plan. However for most people, money is never just money: a tool to accomplish some of life's goals. It is love, power, happiness, security, control, dependency, independence, freedom and more.

When it comes to the topic of spending your money on a man, the rationale is a little bit dicey. While a part of me believes that the few little things you do for your guy is always appreciated, that doesn’t make you a fool as a girl, it only makes the guy know that you can be a supportive wife. Ladies, no man wants to marry a girl that isn’t supportive or will be a liability. The other part of me also knows that a lot of women spend money on their boyfriends in hopes that they will marry them, and most end up regretting it. At the same time, it is worthy to know that it is left to you to decide on who is worth supporting and who isn’t. Not all relationships will end in marriage but what stays with us in the long run is how we are able to imprint our footprints in their lives; be it through coming through for them when they’re at their lows, buying him lunch that day when he doesn’t have a naira in his wallet, borrowing him some cash till he gets boxed up and not collecting it back. Everything counts.

When a lady never evens open her palm a little, it can really start to wear on a guy. He’s a guy and you’re a lady. You are not poor or helpless or dependent. So stop acting like you’re six-years-old and don’t have a purse with cash and ATM cards in it. Stop acting like he should be thrilled to drain his account in hopes that he might be able to procure good sex- that makes you a prostitute .Stop acting like you’re not really his equal when you want to be treated equally in every other respect. If we can just all agree that it’s normal for a guy to foot all your bills while dating you, we should also be able to agree that it’s in good form for a woman to offer to split spending or insist on helping out with money and finances while he’s dating you.

If you think you’d be taking a risk of wasting your money because the relationship may not work out, I believe you’d be a thief to keep accepting gifts and money from him too. After all, life itself is a risk.