POOR MAN, POOR DREAMS?

The sweetest love stories I’ve heard, seen and read in recent times are those where the man was poor for a very long time and the lady stuck with him through thick and thin. It’s truly admirable and worth getting mushy over. Most relationship nowadays can’t even be kick-started or oiled because there’s no money; dude is a broke nigga, squatting with his friends in Bariga, jumps bikes everywhere or is unable to attend to the basic needs of bae. As time goes on, babe decides that at the long run, he might not be able to give her the kind of life she craves or desires. This becomes a huge blow to the pride of the guy and the next thing you know? Facebook is agog with stories of that babe who left her boyfriend of long years because he wasn’t rich enough.

There are lots of ladies out there willing to date men whose pockets are less than ambitious. I meet them all time; they squat with their friends or live in a cubicle called apartment and borrow money from babe, which never gets paid back. And the only thing they can spare is what’s swinging between their legs with the lady carrying a huge load of the financial responsibilities in the relationship. Who am I fooling? I have dated a few guys who I do not owe a naira; that’s if I didn’t even send recharge cards to some of them. The reality is sometimes there is a clear and direct correlation between his financial insecurities and his ability to be a good partner.

 I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he avoids any conversation that can make him discuss what his plans for the future are. He never really had a time when he talked about his dreams, plans and aspirations so much that every time it came to talks about getting a job and stepping up his life, the conversation automatically becomes dull and lifeless. My friend had a job but she felt trapped; with the kind of lackadaisical attitude he showed towards anything concerning bettering himself for the future, she became convinced that the life they would continue living is one where she would bring home the money, finance the family and he would be the stay-at-home husband. This could be nice for some ladies but it just wasn’t the life for her. Personally, I can’t ask my man a question about where he’d be in the next 2-3years and he’d tell me we’d cross that bridge when we get there. Makawhy?

Those are signs, which should not be ignored for the sake of being polite or appearing less like a gold-digger, which I suspect is the real reason why many ladies fret so much about requiring men to pull their financial weights. Brother, you can be poor, it’s allowed but your state of mind can’t be poor at all. Some people are truly conflicted about succeeding and therefore avoid it. Your assumption is that he doesn’t believe in himself and therefore he doesn’t try. That’s possible. Some people are so lacking in confidence that they don’t try because they believe they will fail. The key word here is potential. He might not earn anything at all presently, or may even earn just a little but how rich are his dreams? How brilliant is his mind? Does he have plans? Aspirations? This is really not about waiting for someone who is perfect, someone whose every trait you’re attracted to or someone who will give you a financial security in the long run and whose plans match yours completely- or you’ll stay single forever. 

I agree that there are men who by social default are poor, not due to lack of planning or lack of aspirations but because in one way or the other, the strength of their dreams has continuously been weakened over time so much that they’re starting to give up. This is a completely different scenario, for this person, you recognize the power behind his dreams and this is even enough encouragement for you to want to stick with him. But imagine for a moment that you’re having a conversation with your friends and you’re bragging so much about how much your boyfriend had the potential to be a great footballer one day. So they ask you about the number of times he goes for training in a week, you say he never does, then they ask about his experience in football and if he has ever played football: your reply is negative.

“So how do you think he has the prime potential to be a great footballer one day?” they ask.

“He loves watching football, looks up to Messi and has always dreamt of being a world class footballer”

If this situation plays out in real life, I’m sure you’d be laughed at or feel ridiculous. Just because you, I or any other person talked about being a medical doctor doesn’t mean that we became one or ever going to be one, some of us were just too lazy to read passionately enough to make science class. This also applies to the people we date and how rich we think they’re going to turn out eventually. There are poor people who have added laziness to the list. You can’t be poor, lazy and expect a lady to stick with you; biko what would she be waiting for? Everyone can be great but excuse me, do you even have the correct attitude to life?

Some men merely lack intensity. They may not feel the need to be exceptionally successful, and truly find pleasure in the moment rather than striving toward the future. It’s not that somebody who lacks drive and ambition is bad or flawed, but such a person has a different personality than you do. If this is truly a pervasive part of your boyfriend’s nature — if he never feels that any work effort is worthwhile — that can be a problem for the relationship. The same goes for any big difference in a significant domain in life, such as future goals.

So if you can’t change your man’s tendency to have potential and you can’t change your own attitude to that of someone who doesn’t think having potentials is everything, you should take a pause and examine whether this relationship can work well for the long term. This isn’t a small, easily-ignored issue. Look inside yourself to see if this will be an ongoing source of disappointment and frustration for you, and if you will always wish to turn your man into something he is not. Love is only easy when we’re so whipped that we can’t even think clearly.

You’re not a gold-digger for wanting a guy who is more ambitious or richer than you. You’re not snobby for finding intelligence sexy or thinking having sound dreams is the first steps for becoming rich in the long run. It’s completely normal to not want to be in poverty. You’re not shallow for craving a companion who you’re sure is not going to become a financial liability. And you’re not wrong for wishing he were stronger, more creative, and richer.

Yes, men are prehistorically seen as the providers but in today’s society where women are fighting against the gender-stipulated duties and have started making enough money to provide for themselves, is it fair enough to make money or the potential to make it important in a relationship? The truth is:  a lady can make enough money to run a home but no one wants a man who wouldn’t equally bring some money to the table. I mean, here I am so busy and determined to make things work out perfectly for myself in the future, I wouldn’t ever want to end up with a man who wouldn’t want to do the same or there’s going to be a huge imbalance. If eventually I go for a rich guy because all the ones I’ve met just are both poor financially and have poor state of minds, I’m sure people wouldn’t even think of the things I’ve seen or noticed before castigating me as a gold-digger.

There is more to life and a relationship than how ‘nice’ a man is, some guys I know don’t care how hot or pretty a girl is as long as she’s very intelligent and is a go-getter. Why aren’t girls allowed to choose? I think it’s more about financial security and fun! It doesn’t necessarily have to mean that she’s dating a rich guy because she wants to go to him for all of her needs, and certainly not because he’s the provider in the relationship. Let’s be realistic, no one wants to date a guy who collects money from them for basically all their needs, some of us can’t date a guy who can’t take us out on dates or spoil us silly with gifts: it’s not a must but it’s very nice. Not having to listen to his money worries is a great thing, sincerely. It’s funny how women get labeled as gold –diggers when we have just as many men who are gold-diggers.

Two poor people can have a great time together, that’s indisputable; they can start from nothing, build something together and have everything! The most important thing is having dreams, aspirations, passionate talks about what the future holds and most importantly, ACTION! All talks and no actions make dreams die naturally. There’s got to be something worth waiting with you for, something you can both hold on to, something that makes her know that even though you don’t have it all now, you have everything it takes to be everything in life.

Once again sisters, you’re not a gold-digger for wanting a successful man. and brothers, if you risk nothing, do nothing, and try nothing; you become nothing and die nothing because successful people are risk takers.