MR & MISS SNOOP DOGG

“Babe, kolade has been cheating on me,” her voice was agonizing and I was immediately at loss on what to tell her to soothe her pain. They’ve been together for 5 years and everyone thought they had the most perfect relationship ever.

“How did you know?”

“Well, I’ve been suspicious for awhile now so yesterday when I went to his place, I checked his call records, chats and text messages and what I saw…Babe!” Another wail.

……………………………………………………

Wait…Hollup. You did what? Played Detective Johnson on your boo, big error. We all do it, well, the society of doubting Thomases which I’m part of.

Many people know that this is a bad idea. It’s not news and that’s because of the sob stories that always trail it after it happens. Then of course there’s the question of why you feel so suspicious that the only thing you can resort to is disrespecting privacy to do it. We all know that in a healthy relationship, both you and boo should trust each other unconditionally and respect each other’s right to privacy and personal life. It’s good to have a high level of assurance over what your partner does and who he relates with but the fact is that there’s no such thing as an innocent snooping; there is never a positive outcome from it, you can only become paranoid and then hurt. You will definitely find something incriminating and technically, that’s what you were looking for in the first place. The second possible outcome is not finding anything and that even leaves you with more questions than answers. 

Did he do a good job of hiding it? Then you look harder and you end up finding something to be upset about. It’s all a matter of respect, everyone is entitled to their privacy and it doesn’t mean they’re trying to hide anything from you. It’s just like keeping a diary, there are things you just want to keep to yourself; it doesn’t mean you’re hiding anything. Most times, it’s about what you can’t or don’t want to tell people.

Relationships are difficult and this owes to the fact that there needs to be a balance between being close and connected as well as respecting each other’s privacy and sense of independence. Furthermore, it is important to reiterate that just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean that you have given up the right to your privacy. All relationships are built on trust, and if your girlfriend or boyfriend has invaded your privacy- demonstrating a total lack of trust, the first thing is to understand what might have motivated her to do it. If bae snoops, it is because she has suspicions and just wants to discover the truth. This isn’t uncommon in a relationship too and it may stem from previous incidents or perhaps you are cheating and she has been getting subtle hints from you. Unfortunately, her method should only be used as a last resort in a suspicious relationship. Until someone cheats, they deserve their privacy; but the moment there’s an indiscretion, checking their phones and stuffs is a fair game. Bottom line is: you should never snoop as it makes you dip your whole body into a big steaming pot of ewa agonyin. 

 In another dimension, snooping means you don’t trust yourself or think you’re good enough for bae or boo. It’s easy to conclude therefore that you either need to check their phone to get an assurance that you’re good enough for bae, or you just need to search for the validation that you aren’t too much for him or her. The answer is simple: love yourself. We deserve to be with people that we love and trust and this in turn helps us to love ourselves more. If we don’t trust ourselves, we will not trust others. If you create everyone else to be the villain, you paint a picture of yourself as a victim and this makes it glaring to everyone who cares to know that you either have a problem with self-love, self-trust or both.

It’s good to note here that snooping is an obsession that can graduate into stalking. First you start checking his call records to know who calls him and whose calls he returns frequently-with shaky hands. Big gobe. Then you gradually slip into the level of checking his texts and reading too much meanings into things that probably mean nothing- hypertension on the way. You crave an MSc: you become so insecure and scared that you damn all consequences. Drumroll- graduation into chats. Whatsapp, BBM, facebook and every other messaging app becomes your frequent market whenever babe trusts you enough to leave her unlocked phone for you. However, this is simply not enough: you can’t just resist calling to ask about his whereabouts, who he’s with, why he didn’t answer your call on the first ring or reply that whatsapp message even though the status marker says he is ‘online’. Next you’re walking randomly past his house and asking his neighbor about the last time a girl came around. Yeah, don’t do any of that: it’s an addiction that draws you in.

Mr Snoop dogg, when you feel compelled to snoop, you’re acting from doubts, insecurities, fear and uncertainty. It is not normal to feel this way but for some with deeper issues than even them can explain, it is normal. Nevertheless, know in yourself that the moment you snoop, you become untrustworthy. Put brakes on it and change gear. Take a break and whenever you feel like snooping, ask yourself to look for signs that makes you sure that you have no reason to trust them, search for possible clues or evidences you’ve seen that makes you think you can’t trust her. You don’t need to snoop to get this idea. When and if it happens that you actually have real evidence against them, talk to them directly! Just make sure you stay away from negative imaginations. Instead of looking around, why don’t you confront them, talk about trust and deceit? The funniest thing about this thing is that you’re doing the exact thing you think he’s doing: you’re hiding something away from him. At least he doesn’t know your snooping, does he?

And the end game is that it destroys most relationships because it’s the ultimate show of untrustworthiness. It’s very easy to find what you’re looking for as it’s not difficult to misinterpret what you see. You’re checking because you’re already expecting betrayal and if eventually it gets revealed that you’ve been looking around, you have to take responsibility for being insecure and emotional. Moreover, if snooping is the only way you can know what your boo or bae is up to, it’s safe to conclude that trust is gone and your relationship is in serious trouble. There has to be implicit trust in a relationship; when you don’t have that, it’s all nothing.