ABUSED. Chapter 21.

Kayode gloated when he opened the door for me- it was a strategic victory in the battle of winning me back. My uncle and Damola exchanged a glance and it just confirmed that I was done with them.

We strolled down my street, enjoying the peace and quiet. He didn’t rush me, not forcing any conversation and I really appreciated it. A week from now would be the start of Ramadan and the heavy clouds of the June rain hung in the air.

“How did you find me?” I asked even though I knew the answer to that question.

“Where else would you go? I always knew you were here but I only wanted to give you space like I promised. I only came tonight despite the fact that I knew your uncle wouldn’t agree because I was worried. I know this is hard for you but I’m going through a harder hell.

I was touched by his concern. “It has been a confusing time for me. I really appreciate that you’re not rushing me.”

His fingers grazed lightly over the back of my hand, his eyes upon me with caution. I was sure he was ready to pull back at any moment at the slightest protest from me. I liked him being on his toes- I felt in control.

“I don’t know how I can go on without you,” he mumbled. There was so much sadness in his voice and my heart was aching; I remembered all the great times we spent together and the love became overwhelming again. We were both unhappy with the way things were but Damola’s face and Temilade’s blind eye kept flashing in my eyes.

The wind blew hard and I shivered. He opened his backpack and brought out his Cardigan, which was always kept for emergencies. I remembered always making fun of him for packing unnecessary clothing to work. He hesitated before asking if I would take it. “Will you wear this? I don’t want you to be cold.”

He was back to his gentleman way, doing everything nice that night. I nodded and actually felt grateful as I collected his cardigan, wore it and felt the warmth around me. The cardigan smelt like his body spray and perfume and I remembered all the good times associated with the scent- our first kiss, first date, the first time we made love and a few other happy moments. Oddly, I never associated any violence with his scent- those were always dominated by the sweat and salt of my tears.

We wandered through the night in silence and the companionship was nice. I felt close to him a few times and I was tempted to tell him to let’s go back home. I couldn’t stand the thought of going back home, actually worried about facing my uncle and Damola – I feared that I had disappointed them again. But at the end, we ended up where we had started and it was time to say goodbye. He handed me a small package. 

“Just a little something to remember me by while you take your time to work things out. Please don’t forget how much I love you.”

He didn’t try to kiss me or even take back his cardigan- I just watched him walk down the street, get a bike till I couldn’t see his back again, leaving a big void in my heart. I walked back into the gate, Damola was still there; waiting for me in the sitting room with Aunty Mariam on the opposite couch. She excused herself as soon as I slumped into the seat beside Dammy.

“Let’s have it,” I muttered, ready for him to roast me alive.

He sighed, “It’s not my place to tell you what to do or not go back to him. I have given up a long time ago on telling people what to do because at the end of the day, they’ll only do what suits them but you should be careful. This is just a huge twisted game he’s playing.”

“I am not planning to go back to him but I need some kind of closure.” I was desperately hoping he could relate.

“I understand,” he claimed. “But it takes a lot of audacity for him to actually show up out of the blue and you running off with him was a great disappointment. Your aunt is really mad at you. I think you should talk to my mum or Temilade. You can get something like a court protection in order to guarantee that he stays away.”

I stared at him. “Kayode didn’t do anything wrong.”

He stared at me in frustration. “He almost beat you to death and let you have a miscarriage, isn’t that enough?”

I didn’t want to deal with all that there and then- all those expectations were overwhelming. “I will think about it. I’m really tired now. You should go.”

He got the hint and smiled. “I understand. Goodnight,” when he got to the door, he turned around and gave me an encouraging smile. “I have faith in you. You should have some in yourself too if you really want to leave him.”

He was really surer about my abilities than me. “Thanks a lot. I will try.”

I walked back into my room and sat down on the bed, slowly unwrapping the gift he gave me. It was a neck chain with a heart as pendant. A little note was stuck to it. ‘Even if we are apart, I want you to remember that you always carry a piece of my heart with you. I love you, Olajumoke.’

There was a thick lump in my throat; a huge part of me was touched by Kayode’s gesture. That night, I slept in just his cardigan, letting the familiar smell of him surround me almost making me forget I wasn’t with him anymore. I was really starting to miss him. That was mistake number 4.

The next few days were a confusing time for me.it was the ending of May, a little over two weeks that I and left Kayode and I felt guilty. Guilty for being weak and gradually letting him back in. guilty for disappointing the three people or four- if I counted Temilade, who had faith in me to pull through this and finally leave Kayode; for disappointing myself; for still being in love with a man who has shown me the most brutal part of love. I however tried to pull myself together and made it through the week. It was the Friday before the Ramadan week and I was getting prepared to leave work when my boss, Mr. Afolabi came into my cubicle and told me to come into his office. My anxiousness started and I imagined all sorts of crazy things that could have happened. I just sat there at the reception, feeling like a stranger in a place I had forked for like 3 years and biting my nails until I tasted blood.

I was eventually told to enter the office and I sat down, facing him with my hands folded in my lap.

“Your boyfriend came to cause a scene again yesterday and it was really a mess down there. I know you’re going through a lot of things but as your employer, I’m not sure it’s in my place to ask for an explanation about your private life. You used to be one of my best writers here and I’m sure you know I showed that you were my favourite but you know how much deadlines you’ve missed this year alone, right?”

My heart dropped in my stomach and tears burned my eyes. My nails came into my mouth again for a biting assault. I was obliged to give him an explanation for my shortcomings. ”I’ve been going through a lot. I was sick and hospitalised for a while.”

“Eeyah, I’m sorry about that,” he responded flatly and I knew right at that moment that he didn’t care anymore. He had given me enough chances and I had messed it all up. “Well, that’s not what I want to discuss. You’ve let my work suffer and I’m sorry to tell you that I already employed someone to replace you. He will start on Monday.” He said with finality.

My eyes went wide and my blood went cold. “Are you firing me?” I asked dumbly.

I left his office in a daze and didn’t even know when I got home. The only thing I loved doing right now had been taken away from me and I felt like an empty shell. I felt like the rug had been pulled out from my legs and the only person I needed to comfort me was the worst person for me. I felt backed into a corner. The feeling of being a failure in my private life and allowing it to interfere in my work life was choking. I imagined the disappointed looks I would get from my uncle and aunt- it was unbearable and the urge to move out again was becoming very overpowering

I called Damola and cried on his shoulder-or better said, I whined into his ear since he couldn’t leave the hospital. He assured me he would find a solution for my job issue and told him to promise to think very well about leaving home again. I had nowhere to go but I had enough money saved up to get an apartment of my own. He promised to drop by our house on Saturday morning and we would talk. Though he made me feel better, there was a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

Aunty Mariam noticed that something big happened but didn’t say or ask me anything. That night, I took a long walk around the area, wearing Kayode’s cardigan despite the heat just to escape the stifling sadness and turmoil in my mind. Ramadan started the next day and I was woken up at 4am to help out with the cooking. I had only gotten a few hours of sleep, thanks to my crying mind. I dragged myself out of bed, very grumpy and I knew the slightest provocation would lead to a full blown outburst.

I changed into something more comfortable and was just about to leave for the kitchen when my phone rang. I recognized the ringtone I had assigned to the caller and I knew it was Kayode. I was still very angry at him for being a factor to my sack from work and the first thing I wanted to do was to let it just ring but I still picked the call. I guess it was a sixth sense but I knew something terrible was in the works. There was silence on the other side, only interrupted by small sobs.

“Kayode, are you there?” I asked.

More sobbing. “Jummy, I can’t go on like this. I love you too much and life doesn’t make sense without you. I’m in my parent’s place and it just feels like hell without you. I already planned to go through this Ramadan with you. Please don’t do this to me.”

His voice sounded off but I didn’t put the pieces together. “Kayode I am very sorry that you are upset.” I almost started crying myself, the building pressure of the last hours finally catching up with me.” I really miss you but you’re very scary when you’re angry and I don’t want to be the punching bag anymore.”

I really wanted to make him feel better. “I never stopped loving you. I just need some time to work things out for myself.”

I wasn’t even sure if he was listening. He kept crying harder. “I just want to let you know that it’s okay if you and your doctor are dating. He seems like a very good guy and I knew I messed up big time.” He was howling in pain. He sounded like he had totally lost it and I concluded that he was probably drunk, he was probably not even sure of what he was saying and might not remember a thing in the morning.

“You need to calm down. Damola is just like a big brother to me.”

“It won’t matter anymore soon,” he muttered.

I felt a few tears escape my eyes again and I was numb. The call was already spreading an inner unrest through me. Something was wrong and I couldn’t put my finger on it.