FEMINISM: A RIGHT, NOT FIGHT

I never really knew about feminism until last year, fine! I read Chimamanda’s Purple Hibiscus but I was never able to relate to the theme of misogyny or patriarchy because my father has never laid a finger on me or harmed me because I was a girl. We have only a boy in my family and he has never ever been treated better than me, he washes the plates, I sweep. He washes his own clothes and I wash mine. I don’t even know that feminism means sincerely…okay I have an idea but with all the social media attention, who doesn’t?

The leaders and followers of the feminist movement have simply become too doctrinaire, strident, and narrowly focused. They put too much energy in demonizing men and basically betraying or ignoring women who didn’t happen to be privileged… an average married feminist who feels her place isn’t the kitchen leaves her house duties for an uneducated girl child who doesn’t even have the chance of being sent to school by dear madam feminist. I do believe different aspects of my culture — such as media, religion, social institutions, traditional values and family dynamics — perpetuate the greater theme of male dominance. I once asked my mother why the society has shoved it down our throats even before conception that men are superior and are the head of everything; all she could say was this was the way it has always been.

The notion that everyone sees the world like we do is probably one of the greater flaws of human psychology; but without it, we would be incapable of empathy. So, it is also necessary. As it stands today, our society is largely sexist and it is nobody’s fault… A lot of female Nigerian feminists are of the notion that they represent the average Nigerian woman. The fight is not for the young woman today, but for the daughters to come. Without an awareness of how women continue to reinforce the stereotype that both men and women were raised to believe in, how can women even begin to correct the society’s line of thinking? If men are raised to believe they are superior, only to go out and find the majority of women playing up to the idea with a few feminists trying to debunk it, how aren’t the men going to dismiss the feminists to the back as a bunch of noise makers?

I have no problem with believing that we deserve to be seen equally, I’m just yet to be convinced that these people even know what they’re doing. You can’t start your feminism campaign on social media…it’s not the root of patriarchy. It’s preaching starts when we leave the comfortable confines of our homes and offices and go to villages where there’s zero knowledge of what feminism means. Let girls know what they stand for, let the uneducated know that they aren’t slaves, aren’t inferior, are worth as everything as men. They should go back to the roots, the places where the power of social media can never reach, where there’s the greatest gender discrimination of all. I remember some three months ago when at an international conference of some sort, the wife of the Ooni of Ife highlighted that she feared that feminism was about women trying to be men and running away from their culturally stipulated duties of wives and motherhood. Social media went crazy and I remember how Uche Jombo and Kate Henshaw called her out, called her uninformed, uneducated and local. Uche Jombo went ahead to post a statistic of how many girls were on the streets, how many weren’t going to school, how many girls weren’t sent to school because it wasn’t their rights, how many women collected lower salaries compared to their male counterparts in the same organization ; which I particularly find to be fallacious. Her tone was so aggressive, offensive and violent.

And the truth is I’m kind of sure her championing for feminism ended that day on social media. I’m sure her house-girl doesn’t even attend a school…probably a girl from the village whose parents don’t see any use in sending a female child to school. Has she or any of them ever gone for sensitization in a village? Or the Northern part of the country where the girl child is subjected to so many abuses mentally, physically and psychologically? Has any of them set up a centre for learning for educating and empowering the ones they’re fighting for? Because it seems at the end of the day, the people you’re fighting for don’t even know the basis of what you’re going on and on about. It won’t make sense to them because you’ve never given them a choice or chance to understand the problem.

According to a post on Bellanaija: Feminism is about equal opportunities; so we tell ourselves. But have we ever sat down to imagine the price the women in other climes had to pay to get to where they are today? The REAL PRICES. We don’t know the sleepless nights these women had to put in to get there. We don’t know the relationships they had to severe. We don’t know the people they have probably hurt. We don’t know the lives they had to snuff out in cold-blood (literally and figuratively) to get to that position (hey, this is politics). We don’t know how much dirt they soiled their hands in just to beat their male counterparts. We stay here in Nigeria and hail female figures who have toiled and sweated to be where they are today, and chant “Yes! Feminism!” And then we turn to our own political scene and campaign for women to be given 30% of political slots on a platter of gold. Guaranteed 30% slot. Why? Because feminism struggle.”

I remember in January during the YBNL vs. MAVINS social media war, there were jokes everywhere that Di’ja’s neck looked like it belonged in the adverts of the Pepsi long throat bottle, I stumbled across it on a guy’s timeline back then and under the comment section, there was this lady that turned it into a big fight for women. After her long speech on body shaming ladies, I asked her to educate me on what feminism represents and she told me to go check google or ask other people! On social media today, make this same joke about a woman and watch the beehive of Nigerian feminists descend on you.

If this is what feminism is all about, then I think it’s dead. The pettiness of its followers and the triviality of the fights they pick up on social media is the surest proof of its demise because what started as a genuine crusade against prejudice has become a form if pointless attention seeking. The new age feminists are ditching what was best about the feminism tradition: solidarity, educating women and girls to know what they’re fighting for and not assuming or expecting people to adapt your theory because you think you’re fighting for them, instilling it in women that they have the right to do as they please. When we make men respect us because of the power they see in our spirit (not when we shove ourselves down their throats), we have to be comfortable with ourselves, have confidence in our creation. The way I see it, feminism will only triumph when a woman goes up to collect the Oscar for Best Actress, go for a date, perform on stage and be confident at parties in shoes that aren’t killing her. Feminism should be celebrating its triumphs so far, not descend into pointless attention seeking.

Today, girls outperform boys in schools, girls attend Universities now; most times with more than half of the class being female, they’re more likely to graduate with better results and when it comes to equality when it comes to professional courses, it has gone beyond that: more girls study medicine, pharmacy, dentistry and law now and the number is growing considerable higher in engineering. In fact, as it seems these days, more women are in business and movie making. Other professions may be dominated by men today but with the success feminism has recorded so far, this won’t last long anymore. Most feminists argue that we still struggle in the workplace which I don’t believe: women have headed organizations in Nigeria; Federal appointments to women are becoming more rampant these days, women are emerging as SUG presidents in tertiary institutions; all in places where men are; where they thrive and compete too. Personally, I’ve never seen a workplace where men collect more salary than women for the same responsibilities but I believe that too is gradually going into extinction because the speed of the feminism trajectory is startling.

So the next generation has everything to play for — if only they aren’t encouraged to view themselves as helpless victims at the mercy of an insuperable patriarchy. Only 19 per cent identify as feminist nowadays, which perhaps isn’t surprising since it’s become so dull because new feminists are determined to drain the fun out of life by illustrating how awful it is to be a woman. Don’t make them think the world is against then and don’t fight for them. Equip them with enough confidence, knowledge and will to fight for themselves, believe the cause is worth fighting for. Make them know that feminism is a right and not a fight.

Recently, Senator Dino Melaye threw unpardonable tirades at a fellow Senator – a female senator, when he allegedly said she was approaching menopausal age and he would beat her up. The whole world condemned his actions, both before and after his explanations. Whilst I agree that Senator Melaye’s actions were heavily deserving of condemnation and can never be justified, what piqued my interest was that NO ONE thought it natural, to also condemn Senator Remi Tinubu’s remarks. It did not matter that she reportedly first called him a dog and a thug. Rather, solidarity visits upon solidarity visits were paid to her. In fact, women feminists groups went onto the streets with placards and protested heavily against Senator Melaye’s “harassment of a woman”. This one of the situations where feminism was treated as a fight, a war against the big bad wolves that are men. Feminism is not about defending, defending, defending. Feminism needs no defense. Go and do something that girls will see and feel empowered! That’ll make them know what they’re fighting for, not what they’re told to fight for.

Most modern day feminists want a marriage and not the husband, marriage but not a change of surname, want kids nut not the pregnancy, equal pay but not equal work hours; want equal rights at work but not ready to put in equal work. I am yet to see any woman packing dustbin in the morning, fighting for equal rights at that job. If it’s presidential candidate, their mouth is sharp. The point is, we want them to know that we are strong, that we are fearless and our voices cannot be stifled, let’s show them that we can do every bit of what they can do. Let equal opportunities be equal to equal responsibilities, let man and wife split house rent, let wife use her money to cook delicacies, empower the lady not to collect money from men, show them that we can handle ourselves just fine, go on a date and pay the bills for your man. When your man knows that you have enough to protect, support and empower yourself, he will never delegate tasks to you, he will help in the kitchen, he’ll change the baby’s pampers while you’re cooking, he’ll prepare the eba while you’re busy with the ewedu. Just don’t appear weak and be ready to show traits of a strong woman capable of holding out on her own and he will worship the ground you walk on.

Is the persistence of distinct gender roles a matter of discrimination or personal choice? Meanwhile, for many working-class women today, full equality with their male peers would still mean stagnant wages and unstable jobs with erratic hours. Besides, while most working-class men and women hold jobs and take pride in earning money, they don’t typically put their careers at the centre of their lives. When women drop out of the corporate world, social conservatives often take it as a vindication of their belief in motherhood as the primary vocation for women. Some feminists respond that women aren’t really choosing to leave but are forced out – by discrimination and a lack of flexibility. Others say that feminism should just encourage women to make their own choices to work or stay home, without considering whether those choices have a larger social impact in reinforcing a patriarchal division of labour. Any notion that maybe it’s the men whose life choices need an adjustment seems to be incomprehensible. Real equality won’t come from cajoling men or women into doing work we’d rather not do – at home or at the office. It will come from offering us all better lives.

This whole feminist parade is getting rather irritating. I’m all for women’s rights, treat me with respect, equally as intelligent and give me a position that I’m very much qualified for and pay me what I deserve/earned. I don’t believe any man is better than me because of his gender.

I’m a woman, I love being a woman and not interested competing with a man. I can go for a date with a man and offer to pay for my own bills. I accept, I’m wired differently than man and I like the uniqueness. I have my own profession, job and money to take care of myself. However, I also love the idea of being taken care of. I enjoy cooking, clean and being domestic at my own volition. Future hubby, prepare to take care of me, vice versa. But if you mess up, decide to disrespect me or be abusive. I’m gone. I’m not tied to any man. And I can take care and survive by myself. All I want is a choice. Give me a choice and I can be anything I want to be. Nothing can stop us except ourselves.