DEALING WITH A CONTROL FREAK

  “Oh, he went through a terrible relationship before and has some issues… you can’t understand…” If you find yourself getting defensive when someone questions your relationship, you’re probably already aware that there is a problem and haven’t yet come to terms with it. Remember that people in healthy relationships have nothing to hide or defend. This person likes getting you outside your comfort zone, because then he is pulling the strings, getting one over on you. Controlling, manipulative people are often very insecure, that’s why they have the compulsion to control others – they simply don’t trust anyone but themselves. They will invest weeks or months in ‘training’ you to accept and carry out their will.

Does he delegate tasks and boss you around, but shows inflexibility and is not interested in what you have to say when it contradicts what he wants? Does your boyfriend set all of the rules, but often have a different set of rules for himself? Do you always have to run things by your boyfriend before you make any personal decisions? Does your boyfriend have a significant effect on the way you feel about yourself, even when he is not around? Does it feel like your boyfriend never acknowledges when he is wrong?

When you find yourself telling your friend or sister, “But, you don’t know him like I do,” that’s a bad sign. It’s much easier for him control you when you’ve decided your friends just don’t understand your boo, and soon, you have no one but him to turn to. If girlfriend is protective of you, that’s sweet. If she’s bizarrely, overly protective, it’s scary. She does something that is totally unacceptable then asks your forgiveness, tells you she realizes she was wrong, and promises to change. She seems utterly sincere and convincing – but it is part of the control. If it’s your boyfriend, he will bring you lavish gifts and attempt to sweep you off your feet, again, re-establishing his sincerity and your belief that he truly loves you (which he may, in a really toxic, controlling way). Watch for the bad behavior to resume as soon as he believes he has you hooked and complacent again. She will say things like, “It’s a good thing you’re with me – who else could put up with you?” At first it seems sweet and funny. But she will drill this idea into you over and over – that you should consider yourself very lucky to have someone like her, who will love you despite the fact that you have no positive attributes, talents, and apparently, the IQ of a head of lettuce. Saying, “Nobody will ever love you the way I do,” seems sweet, but she wants you to believe that nobody but her will ever love you again, it fosters utter dependence on her, and her love. Over time, these ideas erode your sense of confidence and you will begin to believe you’re unworthy of better treatment, and she’s the best you can hope for.

Sometimes they don’t even know when they are being controlling in the relationship! That is the scary thing. If your guy isn’t aware of the fact that his controlling nature is a problem, he is unlikely to acknowledge it, and this is what can lead to an unhealthy relationship. Relationships should be based on open and fair communication and equality, and they should allow space for independence. If your boyfriend is not aware of the fact that he is being controlling, then he is probably not willing to acknowledge that it is a problem; he just has a controlling streak in his nature. This may have less to do with wanting to control you as a person, and more to do with wanting to be in control of his own life and environment – which of course can affect you if you are constantly in the firing line.

Good relationships are balanced and equal, with fair communication and room for independence. You might mistake your boyfriend’s controlling nature for love, and you may even feel flattered that your boyfriend is so into you, but the reality is that he is more into himself, and things can only get worse. If you let your boyfriend get away with his controlling behaviour now, then you are reinforcing that it is okay to treat you with less respect than you deserve. The sooner you assert yourself, the sooner he is going to have to face up to his own behaviour and take notice of your needs. Remember: A man, who truly loves you, will love for who you are! The longer you let controlling behaviour go on for, the more difficult you are making it for him to accept that he has to change the way he treats you. It is also important, and more responsible, to establish a healthy relationship before you commit too heavily to a relationship. Once you move in together, or get married, or have children, if your boyfriend is controlling, he will feel like he has even more power over you. If you allow yourself to be treated badly or unfairly in a relationship, because you love your boyfriend and you don’t believe that he intentionally means to cause you any harm, you will eventually start to feel bad about yourself. By this point in your relationship the behaviour will be well-established, and breaking his bad habits will be much more of a challenge for both of you.

The more you accept your boyfriend running the show, the more you will grow to feel that your own opinions, thoughts and feelings don’t count.

Nothing happens overnight, especially big changes that have probably been developing gradually over a longer period of time. You can take the control back slowly though. The trick is to focus on changing your own behaviour rather than attempting to change the behaviour of your controlling partner. Once you start to assert yourself, your partner will have no choice but to start viewing you differently, because you will be introducing experiences in the relationship that he is not used to dealing with in a manipulative or controlling way. Control is something that happens over time, so he won’t be able to persuade you to drop the reigns so he can lead, if you have taken them in your hands and are setting things in motion. Build a good support network so that you are not on your own and vulnerable to your boyfriend’s controlling behaviour. It is not as easy to control someone who has her friends and family to back her up. When your boyfriend realizes that his bad behaviour isn’t kept behind closed doors anymore, he will be more likely to watch himself, and treat you better because he won’t want to look bad in front of other people.

Put yourself first! This means that YOU are your number one priority. Make sure that everything you do from now on benefits you, and if you are feeling used, or like something is not fair or equal, don’t do it; stand up for what you want. For example, you can start small by asserting what it is that you want to watch on the TV when you visit or he visits; you don’t have to be confrontational about it either, just bring it up in a natural way that there is something on the TV that you are looking forward to watching at a specific time, and invite your boyfriend to watch it with you. Then you will have asserted your own choice, made a decision about watching it, and included your boyfriend so that he can get involved and enjoy something that YOU are interested in. He may not give up the control he loves so willingly, but the more you assert yourself, the more he will realize that something has to change if he wants the relationship to work.

In fact, the more he refuses to cooperate and have an equal relationship with you, the more power he will be handing over, because eventually he will push you to the point where you can see that you are not being treated with respect, and you will see that he doesn’t really love you and that you deserve better – and that will be the moment he will have lost all control, and your love, because you will leave him.

When your babe tells you not to do something, don’t just accept it. Instead, calmly ask her for an explanation. By reasoning with her, you can understand her and her reasoning better. And at the same time, if their reason’s pretty lame, you can take a stand and explain your reasons too. Stay calm no matter what. She may try to control you, but that happens only if you give her the opportunity. When you’re reasoning with her, don’t yell or get angry. Calmly voice your opinion and as long as you know you’re right, you’ll be able to get the message across. You can’t change your partner overnight. Their behavior may have taken years to develop and overpower them. Use these tips one step at a time and let your partner see your side of the story along every step of the way. 

In a relationship, both partners have an equal say, and earning more money doesn’t give one partner more control or say in a relationship. The more you depend on your partner for your existence, the more you’ll be controlled. Have a few of your own achievements that you can be proud of, and you’ll feel better about yourself and get the respect of your boo. When your partner controls you, it’s always because they feel like you never take a stand or are easily manipulated or pushed over. Learn to be more confident about yourself and your ideas. If you truly believe you’re right, don’t backtrack your opinions. No one likes a pushover, and they’re the kind of people who end up feeling controlled and locked in a relationship. This may sound devious, but at times, it takes looking into the mirror to understand how someone else feels. Look for ways to control your partner for a change. After all, even the most controlling of partners do have their weak sides. Don’t take crap from your girlfriend or put up with her rules anymore. Start in a small way, and let her see this new behavior. When you get bossy with her now and then, she’ll be taken aback at first, but she’ll soon learn not to take you for granted or control you. But somehow, the circumstances and the way you let her treat you may make her feel like she’s doing the right thing. At times, a man has to be held by the hand and taught to behave like an ideal husband or boyfriend. He may come from a chauvinistic family where a man’s word is the final one. Help him see that life can be a lot better when there’s communication and love in the picture.

If you’ve tried all the other steps to make your boo/bae a better lover and it still doesn’t work, then you need to get out before their controlling behavior changes you into a puppet. If you can’t take it anymore and all your nice ways aren’t working, you have no other choice but to give them a final ultimatum. “Change or I’ll leave you forever.”