BREAK-UP: KEEPING YOUR SHIP SAILING.

Leaving someone or being left can be the most gut wrenching, mind blowing experience that anyone can experience. It tends to make one feel undesirable and unworthy of love & companionship. So when the opportunity to love again or engage in a deep, intimate friendship comes along their fears of being left with a broken heart, being let down or experiencing great disappointment; cause them to pause. A friend of mine recently revealed that she jumps from one relationship to the other because she doesn’t like to be alone. And she’s not the only one who does so. But is that really getting over the guy? How long after a breakup should you wait before dating again? Is there a valid time-frame for these things? But oftentimes, we’re encouraged to do so quickly, as if it’s that easy to let go of a future we planned with someone else. Still, jumping into another relationship right away is like covering the pimple with concealer instead of applying medication and allowing it enough time to heal.

Isn’t that one of the greatest issues of our generation? The inability to wait. We have trouble sticking to what takes time to accomplish, which means we barely stick to anything. What if instead of attempting to distract yourself with someone else, you gave yourself enough time to get to know this version of yourself? If you tend to jump from one relationship into another out of fear of being alone, it may make sense to challenge yourself to be single for a month or two. Spend time with friends, and make sure to spend some time alone. Listen to that quiet voice inside you and see what thoughts and feelings come up. Listen to your needs and reconnect with who you are so that when you date again, you have a stronger sense of self, and not just a sense of yourself in relation to someone else.

Being single is a wonderful opportunity to enjoy the benefits of being independent. To do this, you need to understand who you are today. Begin with a plan: Change your routine. Re-establishing some control in your life will feel liberating. Reclaiming yourself will be enlightening! Consciously observe some of your greatest personality traits. Own them and love them! Mentally address any issues which may have played a key role in the break up due to their negative impact, and commit to change. By examining how you interact in your relationships, you will gain better insight, stronger intuition and a deeper sense of what your expectations and motivations are for the next relationship. The brain adapts best to persistence, and repetition re-wires the brain to enable change; so, practise being single. Create a lifestyle that reflects what is important to you. Prepare to be emotionally present in your next relationship by processing your feelings and letting go of what was. Commit to being mindful of who you are and enter a new relationship not because you need to be loved but because you have made a positive choice. You have been cut. And you have bled. In order to stop the emotional bleeding, strive to love yourself. When you can attest that you feel confident and happy, it is time to make space in your life for a respectful, caring and committed relationship. And remember, a healthier, confident you, will attract a healthier, confident boo.

The fragile time after a break up is time to live in the moment. Obsessing about the past, and feeling anxious about the future may motivate you to date too soon. Be honest with yourself. Why do you want to start dating? If you’re visualizing a rebound relationship to quickly ease your pain, be aware that most wounds don’t require a bandage, and certainly not until the infection has been taken care of! Realize your vulnerability and understand that you have to completely let go of the past first if you want to enjoy a loving relationship that is not emotionally distracted. It is your responsibility to embrace the journey of emotional healing and to do the required homework. If there’s a chance you haven’t moved on emotionally from the first person, you’ll find yourself emotionally involved with two people. So reassure yourself that it’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to not be in a relationship. It is too soon to be in a new relationship until you feel that you do not need anyone to be happy. The Ralph Waldo Emerson quote: “What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us” also applies to our relationships. Our past and our future relationships are not as significant as what we carry internally within us. After a relationship ends, ask yourself: “Do I feel as though I need to be with someone else to matter?” Be honest. Do you feel worthy even when you are alone? It is too soon to be in a new relationship until you feel that you do not need anyone to be happy. If a part of you feels that a void in your life can and will be filled in your future relationship, you will be sadly disappointed.

Take the time after a breakup to rediscover yourself.  You’ve just bumped into your ex and you’re feeling highly emotional. Half of you wants to cry, half of you would do anything to get rid of those feelings. This is your mind panicking to get rid of emotions it cannot understand. The mind likes to understand things but can never understand the heart. Hearts have no logic. So, abandon trying to comprehend what happened or why. After all, at this stage, is there anything your ex could say or do that would change how you feel? Befriend the part of you that gets emotional. Don’t beat it up. It’s normal and healthy to feel how you feel. You’re alive! Besides, emotion shows you have a heart and would not wish the same sorrow on others. This aspect of your personality is to be treasured. Wouldn’t you love it in anyone else? After all, you didn’t start off dating this person with the intention to break up with them, right? It also doesn’t mean that you will never date again, so there is an upside.

Have you taken any time to reflect or decompress from you last relationship? Being “alone” doesn’t magically bring wisdom and strength, but it can provide the opportunity for deeper introspection, processing of feelings, and clarity to what you really want out of life and out of a relationship. Also, the experience of being “alone” and witnessing yourself survive it without becoming completely miserable can provide a sense of confidence and empowerment that no one else can give you.

Next, even though there is no love lost between the two of you when you think about your ex and feel anger, hurt, sadness, frustration, annoyance, disgust, etc.… you are not ready to date. These emotions indicate clear emotional ties to your past person which underneath is probably love. Anger, hurt, frustration, and annoyance are kissing cousins to love; opposite sides to the same coin. The true opposite of love is apathy or being neutral. There should be no emotional response at all when you routinely think of your ex. When we get into new relationships and emotion is still present from the past you are bringing the old partner into the new. Also, because you have not resolved the old, the new will be more of the same no matter how they seem at first.

Moving on is more a function of your state of mind and the healthiness of your emotional state than about the amount of time that’s passed since your last relationship ended. Here’s how you’ll know if you’re ready to date again after a break-up. You like yourself, you enjoy your own company, and you’re at a place in your life where you’re hopeful and optimistic about your future. You’ve come to terms with all that happened in your past relationship, you’re grateful for the lessons you’ve learned from this and all of your previous loves, and you’ve accepted responsibility for the mistakes you’ve made and for your own shortcomings (yep, we’ve all got ‘em!). You know who you are (your strengths and your weaknesses) and you’re also clear about the most important characteristics and qualities that you’re seeking in your future partner.

If you tend to hold back and stay guarded for a long time, and that gets in the way of you creating connected romances, challenge yourself to be more vulnerable in relationships, in small safe ways. If you tend to throw yourself all in, and get very hurt when you break up, challenge yourself to slow the pace, and have boundaries around your time available for dating, and limit some of the content of what you share. Save some of the more intimate, vulnerable details of whom you are until later in the relationship when you’ve established trust that has been consistent for a longer period of time.

Dating can be a great way to explore your interests, your passions, and feel connected and accepted by people, something most of us crave. But it can also be a place where we lose ourselves and care more about pleasing someone else, or getting external validation. Make sure that no matter how long you wait to start dating after a break up, you do it from a place of strength, self-respect and wisdom for creating experiences in life that will help you to grow into the best version of yourself possible.

There is no real time limit or an “aha” moment. When the opportunity to love again or engage in a deep, intimate friendship arises and the “new person” is not being pursued (or allowing yourself to be pursued) to replace the “ex”, then and only then will you know that you are ready. People ma y tell you it’s time you got over your relationship. Like with bereavement, you don’t ever have to “get over” it, but you may need to more forcibly move yourself on, and if you’re stuck, to take a new approach to doing so. Hurtful experiences, ones that emotionally and logistically reset our lives, leaves us with two choices; open up more or close down more. The braver choice-the one that will allow new things to enter your life is to open up. So how about setting a few weeks aside to unfold this a little more? If you can’t climb out, dig out. Sometimes, the best way to get over an emotional turmoil is to talk to someone you can trust; an adult or someone you can trust to give you the best advise- they don’t have to know more than you, most times; what we all need is a listening ear and a soothing reassuring voice. Give your heart the chance to say everything it wants to regarding the relationship and whatever is entwined with it. What emerges may surprise you.