WHO DESERVES THE LEASH?

Bolanle and I have been friends since we could walk. That’s how long it’s been and sincerely, she’s one of the most awesome, beautiful and down to earth people I’ve ever met in my life. Sentiments aside, she’s a complete package; wife material 1million yards. Lol. She met Segun in her first year in the university and since then, it’s been 6 great years of sunshine and rainbows for her until 4 weeks ago when I received a text from her making me aware of the dark clouds hanging over her head and threatening her 6 years of happiness. Segun was seeing another woman.

“Tolani, I feel like my entire life has been shattered. I want to speak to this babe. I want to know why she thinks it’s OK to screw someone else’s boyfriend! Does she have no respect for me or my relationship? I want her to explain herself!”

It happens to the best of us.As you reel from the discovery, it can be difficult to know whether you should be mad at him or her, the other lady or man, or both. If you’ve been cheated on, he has willfully done it. He is not a child lacking control of himself and I doubt that anybody held a gun to his head and told him to take his penis out. The easy option when a man is caught out cheating is for him to blame the other woman, avoid responsibility, and seem like he has been led by a temptress. I don’t doubt that things about her were very tempting but to believe that it’s all down to her charms absolves him of any responsibility and if he has none, what is to stop him from doing it again? He is making himself sound like a spineless, gutless, idiotic, irresponsible twit with no control over himself. The longer she has systematically lied to you and kept up her cheating facade is the more she has deceived you, the more comfortable she was with it, and the bigger a chance she took. She has been having her cake and eating it.

It’s him you’re committed to, hence he is the person that owes you the biggest explanation and the only person that can commit to resolving the situation should you decide to keep his cheating ass. The sidechick thinks that it’s okay to screw someone else’ bf because she believes in the promise of whatever he has offered. It’s not even that she thinks that what she’s doing is okay per se, it’s just that time has allowed her to rationalize the situation, his actions, and her actions. Whilst there are women out there that make it their life’s pursuit to be with attached men, I think most of the women allow themselves to believe the hype as it suits their own esteem values. However, while I can appreciate that people get sucked into situations, the reality is that if a woman is dating someone else’s boyfriend, at that time, she is not respecting anything or anyone.

The truth is if you confront her, you actually give a damn what she thinks, and, this in turn her gives her far more power than she deserves or needs. She hasn’t abused your trust – she’s just been screwing your man. At this point you either need to focus on deciding if your relationship is worth saving or how best to turf his ass out. There is no benefit to having a ‘showdown’ because you will only feel good and righteous temporarily, and ultimately, are either one of them worth it? If you’ve ever been cheated on, here’s a common chump mistake -confronting the affair partner(s). Maybe you did this. Maybe you agonized about doing this. Maybe you’re still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. Let me spare you the trouble-don’t go there.

Let me tell you why I think it’s not worth it: Most sidechicks or other guy has no shame. Unless this person is completely unaware that your boo or bae is in a relationship or otherwise spoken for , they knew what they were doing and have devised various rationales- all of which are impervious to your exhortations. Worse, if you come at them all classy- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency - they will delight in their superiority. But the biggest reason not to confront the affair partner? It’s an ego boost to your cheater.. He or she is getting a high off two people fighting for her. How fabulous. Maybe there’ll be a duel! Will your boo take your side? Or will your girlfriend feel sorry for her lover? Will confronting the other person force him to make a decision? In such situations, it's not realistic to expect your boyfriend to stay neutral. And remember, you are confronting someone who has little regard for your feelings and who, moreover, is someone who your sweetheart may love. Your sweety has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may provide your bae/boo with the opportunity to openly demonstrate how much he/she cares about his/her secret love. More often than not, it's better to keep the discussion between you and the person you’re involved rather than involve the other person.

It is also important to know that everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. Some people respond by backing down, some people respond by attacking, and some people will try to avoid the confrontation altogether. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesn’t necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. So while you may have an advantage during the initial confrontation, will that help you over the course of time? Will confronting the other woman or man only further his or her resolve? Or is such a confrontation likely to scare the other person away? Conflicts are much easier to start than they are to stop. So unless you have reason to believe that there will be a positive outcome, it may be best to avoid a confronting the other person.