MOUTH DIARRHEA: RELATIONSHIP,NOT CHRONICLE

I met a guy on facebook some three months or so back, Tomiwa (not real name). For the first one month or so, me being me ignored his ‘hello-s’ and ‘hi-s’ until one very boring night that I decided to have some fun and talk to him. That night, we talked about ourselves and all the need-to-know for a first time facebook conversation and it was so long but I slept off on the conversation. I logged on to my facebook account the next day and yes, no one can guess the offline messages he dropped for me. It was a rundown of his last relationship which was as shitty as the definition of shitty goes. I was so so shocked and my jaw was literally on the floor for hours; first at the absurdity of spilling his guts to me, a total stranger and two, the crazy details of the gist. Immediately I digested the information, I wondered how much his friends knew if I could have so much gist already. I didn’t care if he lied, I only cared about the fact that he comfortably told me all that. Well, I advised him and told him what I thought was the best thing to do.

We all do it, assume we know what’s best for our friends and judge the decisions they make in a relationship because they chose to open up to us.
Now, there is nothing wrong with being a shoulder to cry on or lending an ear when your friend faces a relationship dilemma, but what some can do is use it as leverage and gossip material to make themselves or whatever situation they’re in seem better. Involving third parties in relationship matters doesn’t solve your problem, it compounds the issue. If you discuss your private affairs in public, it is going to backfire. Managing relationships by committee of friends condemns them to a premature death. Besides, only you and the person that’s involved posses the ability to actually solve your problems. Once you put people in your business, you never get them out. It’s human nature for people to hold on to negative preconceptions about people. This is especially true as it pertains to your friends and family when you immerse them in your relationship.

Most times, people that have an eager ear to hear your business can’t wait to tell it. The juicier the gossip, the harder it is for someone to hold it in. There is a ninety percent chance that anything you say will be repeated to someone. Not only are you needlessly exposing your relationship to unnecessary scandal, you’re betraying your boo. Long after the two of you get past the problem, friends, relatives and those in your social circle will still be whispering about you and sweetheart’s past issues…and at this point, do you think you can get pissed off at your relations when you put them in your business to begin with?

When people ask you how your other half or how your relationship is going, do not take this as the opportunity to air all your dirty laundry. Those questions are not an open door for a boyfriend-bashing session or a rant about the girlfriend.  Friends and family mean well (most of the time), but they all come with their biases. Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve forgiven your boo/bae for something they did, but someone you told held on to it forever? Lol…that’s how far people can go in helping you escalate issues you yourself have long long forgotten. While you as a participant in the relationship may have a higher tolerance to forgive and forget, your friends don't. .. So every time you vent about what your man has done to you, you better believe they're making mental notes. Not to mention it can create great tension between your man and your friends. Prevent that from happening by keeping the conversation light. The old saying is true; if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say it at all. That doesn’t mean you have to be fake.

We live in a time where social media is a big part of life, and sharing is encouraged. But there’s definitely such a thing as oversharing. Tweeting your frustrations is a big no-no. Changing your status on facebook from “in a relationship” to “it’s complicated” every other month is simply begging for trouble. Work out a social sharing policy between you and your bobo or baby girl. What’s fair game and what’s not okay? Are you two comfortable with being friends on facebook. Find a way to communicate with each other so that little things don’t grow into big things. Communication is so huge between couples, and it is a need that absolutely needs to be filled. When you confide in each other, there really is no need to confide in someone else.

At the end of the day, we all must realize the hard facts: not everyone is rooting for your relationship to survive. Some people will try to pry information out of you and convince you that small issues are big and that deal breakers are okay. When I say choose wisely, I mean your close circle, and your battles.Your relationship is between you and your man, not your gal pals. A relationship is between TWO people...not two plus your bestie, childhood friends, area sisters, roommates facebook friends and your co-workers. When we involve others into our dating business we open ourselves to extreme scrutiny, especially if and when the tough times roll in. Keeping your relationship sacred is paramount if you want it to last. Outside influences and opinions only push you and your partner to each corner and make you enemies rather than lovers. That's not to say you can't confide in your friends. It's just best you do it in moderation. It's OK to keep some things to yourself. Share your love with the world, but keep in mind the world may not always be happy for you nor have the best advice.