WHO ARE YOU BECOMING?

It's no secret that we all like to see ourselves positively. We all go through lots of stress and processes to accentuate our most positive sides and downplay our flaws. But what happens when a potential suitor or boyfriend has the same flaws as you? How do you succeed at burying your flaws so deep beneath? The truth is: we all achieve little success at doing that...especially if we are actually not strong willed enough to ward off temptations or we don't really have good enough reasons to hate what we thought we hated.

                             

According to an article I read online awhile ago, in years to come, we will become a conglomerate of the people we hang out with. The article went so far as to say relationships were a greater predictor of who we will become than exercise, diet, or media consumption. This is like a splash of cold water to the face for anyone who thinks they can still uphold their values, believes and morality when they finally find the man or woman of their dreams.

 There’s no doubt that people we spend a lot of time with influence us in ways that aren’t so easy to erase. Guys who I’ve dated in the past have influenced the music I listen to, the phrases I use, the jokes I tell, even some of my favorite foods and colors and my general outlooks of life. 

We’ve got every reason to be careful, thoughtful, and selective with who we let into our lives and our hearts. But somehow, when it comes to the dating scene, it’s easy to well, settle. I think settling means you hunker down with someone in hopes that you’ll rub off more on them than they do on you. If you’re single, you know who I’m talking about: that person you can hang out with, talk to, even enjoy going to shoprite, shawarma joints and cinemas with. But, at the end of the day, you don’t exactly find yourself thinking that you wish you were like that person. No one has it all completely together, and in every dating relationship you and I will find ourselves as one half of a very imperfect equation.  It’s not a stretch to say that choosing a different partner could lead to a whole different life than the one you’re living right now. That’s because, when we choose a significant other, we also choose how we spend a significant amount of our time. The longer you both spend together, the more you create habits, routines, and quirks that are likely different than the ones you shared with your ex—or the ones you had by yourself.

One extremely important thing is also to realize that it’s okay to have differences. Most people think the only way to have a perfect relationship is to share the same hobbies, interests and practice the same beliefs, responsibilities and have the same attitudes. Compatibility is not about sharing the same views about life, it’s not about loving the same kind of music or having the same dance steps, for those that can dance anyways, I was blessed with two left feet so much that I can't even move in perfect sync to the beats of a song I like so much. It’s in setting goals. So the point is not to be too concerned with being alike and actually focus of setting goals and making plans for the future. But even while doing that, if you always find yourself missing elements of your “old” life or feel more like you’re playing a part other than being you, it may mean you need to dig deeper into what about the relationship is causing you to hold yourself back.

It's good to keep our standards high—not because we have an inflated sense of self that tells us we deserve a "perfect" person, but because we’re growing people who know we're easily influenced. We’re all works in progress. So the question is, who are you becoming? Because there’s a flip-side to this equation. When we set our standards high, it forces us to raise the bar in our own personal lives as well. Want to find that guy or girl who will inspire you for the rest of your life? It starts with a look in the mirror, as we ask ourselves, “Am I living the kind of life that would attract that person today?” If we truly become like the people we spend the most time with, then it’s inevitable that the people we date will change us, for better or for worse—just like we’ll change them. So let’s choose our influences wisely, and let’s accept our responsibility as an influence on others.

If you are eloquent, have a knack for cracking jokes that make people laugh till they shed a bowlful of tears, know almost a bit of everything under the sun to fuel a conversation, would you like to be with someone who only gives at most a two-word answer, speaks with their head close to their chest and hesitate to have eye contact for more than one second?  Or how about this? If you have a grey outlook on life, would you click with someone who has a colorful view and mindset of the world? Sparks may fly, yes, but probably sparks of conflict rather than chemistry. Be someone who has qualities that complement the other person, not drain it. Know yourself well. I mean really well. What makes you tick? What are your values? What is your personality like? What are you like when you get upset? How do you handle stress? How do you celebrate? What is the best thing about you? What are your weaknesses? Knowing yourself well is the first and most crucial step in finding that special someone.